crappy holidays

as far as the eating went, anyways. the rest was mostly fine.

we were at the mister's parent's house. i did SO well the first few days, really. then i just gradually lost my resolve, started feeling sorry for myself when i was eating a whimpy salad and everyone else was gorging on lasagna and pie. and pity parties lead to emotional eating.

i will say, in my favor, that my overeating was nowhere near as awful as it would have been pre-WW. the other negative contributing factor was that it was all snowy and icky up there, and whenever i tried to go for a jog or a walk around the neighborhood, i either slipped and fell on ice, or was frozen through and through within minutes. so the working out wasn't so much there. and by "wasn't so much there" i mean "didn't happen at all"

but, this is life. it was one week out of five months, and i can move on. jump right back in there and get back to success. i certainly haven't failed...maybe just a pause? yes. that's what it was. a pause.

so i'm back on track- facing the facts of the scale in a few days, scheduling my next session with my trainer, and counting points till the cows come home.

long live weight watchers!!

hungry hungry hippo

over the last week i've been hungry about 100% of the time! it's been crazy! i cut back on my workouts last week since EVERYONE seemed to think that i was working out too much to show a loss at the scales. i feel like i'm HYBERNATING! i did really well staying on plan despite the hunger issues...but around sunday it started feeling like i couldn't hold out anymore.

monday i had a pretty significant lunch at a local chinese place. it was delicious. and 23 points. yikes!

at the meeting monday i decided to not weigh in. so i have no weight updates for you.

but i decided that night that i would try the CORE plan for a week. this plan allows you to eat MORE food, but from a "restricted" list of foods (the plan i've been doing thus far allows you to eat anything you want, and focuses on portion control etc). i figured that if i can't beat the hunger, i should at least FEED it in a healthy way.

CORE is a little scary to me. i've considered trying it for awhile, but have never had the courage. it requires a bit more planning than the FLEX plan, but i'll tell ya, i haven't been hungry today!

that's one great thing about WW...you can try both plans and find what works for you...you can switch back and forth depending on your needs (as long as you do one plan for the entire week). so i'm nervous about "failing" this week and not staying within the CORE requirements, but at the same time, i hear that tons of people "try" CORE and never go back!! i guess whatever works is what's right for me!!


and, in case anyone is interested, my friends over at the oregonww board and i have started a blog that will have lots of before/after (or during) pictures and stuff. they're an incredible group of people...inspirational and fun! you can find us at www.oregonwwers.blogspot.com

the world spins madly on

well i did it. today i achieved my 10% goal. and i entered "onederland" (that's what WWers say when you leave the 200lb range).

and i want to feel excited. i want to be thrilled and cheer and reward myself. but i just don't. i had been looking forward to this benchmark since i started WW in august. i had pictured it and planned for it. but it wasn't at all as i had imagined.

i think it's a result of my frustration these last three weeks. playing around with two ounces here and there, despite working SO HARD at the gym and being so diligent about food etc. it just feels like, what's all that doing? i'm burning over 600 calories everytime i'm at the gym, which is 5x week...how am i not losing POUNDS?!?! it is hard to stay patient and determined with no tangible results to motivate and reward me.

most people give themselves some kind of reward when they hit 10% and/or onederland. i hadn't even thought about it. and truthfully i'm so bummed out about how slow the weight loss has been lately, it doesn't feel like there's anything to celebrate.

i'm really hoping that what all the WWers keep telling me is true...it's all about the body getting used to this much activity...water retention, muscle density blah blah blah.

cause if not? then what will i do? keep losing two ounces a week for the rest of my life? keep waking up at 5am and busting my toosh at the gym for almost NO loss? this is a little overwhelming.

from endorphin high to measurement low...

just finished up with an intense workout with my personal trainer Luke. he's basically awesome. he's a great balance of being fun and friendly and smiling nicely while making me think i'm dying. he's great at that last one.

anyway. i was feeling so great from the endorphins after all that cardio, and luke and i decided to take measurements so we could keep track of inches lost.

and with a little wimpy measurement tape, depression came rushing into my world. i feel like so many things are preventing me from feeling good about the pounds i've lost. i was feeling pretty good this week...but now that i've seen those numbers, i just feel aweful. i've been brave enough to list my weight here, which is huge for me. but i'll not be listing the measurements. i can hardly stand it.

luke was super great about being encouraging and saying "breanna, you're young and you're doing great and working hard. you're going to lose it all." then he said something i have never thought i'd hear said about me.

"you've got a fabulous figure in there. the proportions are good. we've just got to get down to it."

and, maybe this is pathetic, but i nearly cried. i, I????? have a fabulous figure in there????? seems impossible. and now, if for no other reason that he really believes in me and knows how to "get down to it" i want to find any way possible to afford continuing to work with luke until i find that figure he seems to think i've got.

i'm thinking of selling my plasma. or my shoes. or anything. if there's a figure in there, ANY figure, i'd do just about anything to get to it.

BAH!

i worked out a lot this week. seriously. and i mostly ate well (except rachel talked me into chinese friday night....).

and did i reach my 10% goal?

nope.

all i needed to do was LOSE TWO OUNCES. easy enough, you'd think.

but instead, i gained 4 ounces. GAINED.

so, to you stupid ounces, i say BAH! (that works for rachel's dog...he always gets down when you do it!)

i fought like crazy against the temptation to take my first trip in four months through the mcdonalds drive through, or get a nice peperoni pizza. i did well though. i stopped to get sushi. healthy enough, and one of my favorite foods.

but i'm emotionally hungry right now, and just not sure how to deal with it. any ideas?

2 ounces

that's how close i was to getting my 10% goal yesterday...the very day i had worked towards getting it.

2 ounces.

it's basically a slap in the face.

that's how i've felt for the last 22 hours anyway. but, being stuck on a non-moving freeway for 6 hours today gave me time to think. sure, 2 ounces is almost nothing...my shirt weighed more...i could've tried to pee out 2 ounces. but that wasn't the point. why was i so focused on 2 ounces instead of the 21.8 pounds that i've lost over the last 4 months? and why does it feel like not enough? i have placed so much pressure on myself to be exactly 40 pounds lighter by christmas so that my husband's family would be impressed...and that has caused me to feel like i've failed.

21.8 pounds less is failure?

no, of course not. and for the first time in my life, all the pieces are in place...i really am making permanent changes in my life. my thinking is changing dramatically. my relationship with food is already SO different...in four months after 25 years of a certain lifestyle, mindset and obsession with food. that is no failure. 2 ounces is nothing in comparison.

and if it takes me two years instead of one to lose all 80 pounds, fine. it's slower than i want, so what? two years to be where i've always wanted to be, where i need, for the rest of my life.

i was telling my husband last night about my dissappointment. i said, "i mean, i know i'm doing fairly well. i'm staying on plan, i don't cheat. i've been completely consistent for four months straight, so i'm doing well."

he said, "doing well?! you've lost 21.8 pounds in four months...you've never missed a meeting...you've never stopped tracking your points...you're working out regularly and you haven't cried ONCE in four months about this like you have other 'diets.' you're not doing well. you're doing great!"

and you know what? he's right.

feelin the burn!

so i've been working out at the gym for about a week and a half. i'm really enjoying it so far. gives me a chance to catch up on my ever-increasing list of podcasts, read some magazines and send surges of endorphines running through my stressed out self.

i also talked the mister into letting me get a personal trainer once per week for awhile. his name is luke and, for the most part, i like working with him. except when he puts me on the stairclimber. i basically hate that.

so, i've spent the last week being very focused on getting my 10% goal by tomorrow. tomorrow is my 16 week mark, and i really thought i'd have the 10% by now. i know it's not so great to focus so much on how long it's taking...the important part is that i'm making really healthy and permenant changes in my life. but i seriously thought i could be down 40 pounds by christmas, and i'm just barely at 20. that's a little frustrating.

as of last monday's weigh in, i'm only 2 pounds away from that 10% goal. 2 pounds is completely feasable in a week. i've worked out 4 times...and one of those was with luke, so that must've counted for three times by itself! i've been good at being within my points...i want this 10% so bad!!!

i've been spending tons of time on the WW site participating in the boards. it's so encouraging and inspirational and comforting! i just love it! so here's to hoping that my weigh in tomorrow will be what i've been working towards. if not...well i'll be spending a lot more time on the WW boards looking for support!


(this is the keyring i'll get when i hit 10%)

i joined the ranks

and signed up at the gym. today was my complementary session with a personal trainer. wow. it was difficult! but great! i'm going to be SOOO sore tomorrow! now i'm trying to talk the mister into paying for weekly personal training...let's hope he says yes!

also, i am now getting etools on the WW website, and it is the greatest thing EVER! it does all the math for me, so keeping track of points is a breeze, and there are these phenomenal community boards that put me in touch with other WWers and that has been phenomenal! i wish i would've done that sooner! so much support, and it keeps me busy when i'd be eating out of boredom! i love it!

i heart denial

fabulous vacation. just what i needed.

good intentions all the way around for staying on plan during the trip. but when i realized exactly what "all expenses paid" meant...(expensive meals including apps AND desserts AND all the wine my heart desired, which turned out to be quite a lot) well...that trumped the whole points thing.

i did work out several times while i was away...pretty mild, some swimming, walking a few miles. nothing too sweat-inducing.

then, during the flight home (all nine excruciating hours of it) it occurred to me that my indulging would not equal smiles monday night on the scale. so i devised a plan that included working out basically constantly from sunday morning to monday about ten minutes before the meeting. i figured this would even things out.

well...then jet lag kicked in and, well, i basically forgot to work out. at all. so monday night, i did go ahead and attend the meeting, but i handed over my "skip the scale" coupon. because, well i just didn't want to face reality. i debated for quite some time as to whether or not i'd use it, or if i'd just have the guts to hear what damage i'd done. i took the cowards way out.

then last night i dreamed that i went back to the WW meeting the next day and weighed in. the scale said i lost four pounds. which meant that i had met my ten percent goal. i woke up thinking it was true. yuck.

anyways, i joined WW online with the "etools" and that has been super awesome so far. there's even an online community board of other oregon WWers. i am SO excited! could be just what i need!


back on track!

and another one

today's results? down one pound. not quite as fabulous as last week, but i'll take it! that puts me at 19.2 pounds lost....SO close to 20! that's a significant number in my book...and just a few more pounds past that to my 10% goal...i can really do this!

tricky thing? me and the mister are off to orlando florida for a much needed vacay. well, he's on business, i'm on an all expenses paid vacation at a FABULOUS resort. can't complain. and i need the break from work and "life" like crazy. literally....crazy!

the thing i'm nervous about is that it's a vacation...and people basically ALWAYS gain weight on vacations. especially when the mister's company is paying for EVERYTHING...but i'm THIS close to my first big goal, and i just DON'T want anything to push it further away... so i really need to try and be in control of myself while we're in orlando. any tricks you can impart?

i know the resort has a gym, so i'm definately taking my workout clothes and running shoes. and if i eat really smartly for breakfast and lunch, i'll have more flexibility for yummy dinners. i just hope my will can outpower my mouth...

i heart WW!!

biggest loss yet!

i still don't quite always get what makes the difference. and i feel like i spend all my time here analyzing every bite and every workout and why this week i lost four pounds.


that's right friends. FOUR POUNDS.

that's my biggeset loss so far. strange thing is i didn't feel uber successful during the week. so maybe i just give up trying to know the secrets of success from week to week and just stick with the program knowing it will all pan out eventually.

the other exciting part? i'm only a little under 4 pounds away from my 1st 10% goal! that is very cool. another two weeks or so and i should be getting to stand up in the meeting and get that keychain and have everyone clap for me. that'll be great!

the theme of tonight's meeting was "what hats do you wear?" and how those "hats" effect or influence our weight loss. people were of course naming all their various roles and positions in life. then Bobbi (meeting leader, i'll be using her name from now on) asked "what do others think/say about you? how does that impact your weight loss?" most people responded that their friends say how great they've been looking since losing weight and so on, and how motivating that is to keep going. but this is what came to my mind:

people tend to think i'm really "strong" and confident. confident to the point that a lot of people, before they know me, consider me snobby and full of myself. people have watched me overcome difficulties in life and not be one of those people that feels/acts like a victim all the time. i've succeeded in a lot of areas of my life and i know that not everyone would take what life has given me and turn it into the life i have now.

but the truth is, i'm not strong. i'm incredibly fragile. one of my professors told me once "breanna, you're the strongest fragile person i've ever met." and it's really true. i'm generally very broken and vulnerable. and no matter what i've overcome or achieved, i never feel good enough about myself to acknowledge strength to myself. when people comment on my "inner strength" or discipline or perseverence, i just shrug it off and think to myself "if only they knew the real me...the one that can't take control over her own body/eating." my weight has always been the thing that keeps me from believing in myself.

so as i'm losing weight, as i'm gradually succeeding and persevering in the hardest battle of my life, i'm doing it to prove to myself that i am indeed a strong woman. i want to prove to myself that i can overcome and achieve what will likely be the most significant thing in my life. i'm doing this so that when someone says "breanna, you're so strong" i can think to myself "you know? you're right..."

reality check

as i type this, i'm watching "the biggest loser" on nbc. this show has always been inspirational, at least on an emotional level. but it's different this time. this time, i've already been working towards becoming my own biggest loser.

tonight, rather than serving as an inspiration, the show is serving as an accountability partner. they're in the 5th week of their weight loss journey, and most have lost three and four times as much as i've lost in nearly 11 weeks.

now, of course, i realize that the biggest loser is not reality. it's not possible to spend tht many hours a day working out...and having a phenomenally motivating and very well educated personal trainner who tells you exactly what to eat and won't let you sleep through the alarm. not to mention the possibility of winning lots of money for losing lots of weight.

but even still, i should be doing WAY better than being only 15 pounds lighter than i was at the begining of August. i need to be kicking my own butt. i need to be working hard for this thing that i want more than mostly anything i've ever wanted before (except my lovely husband, of course). i need to treat this journey with more urgency...more intensity.

this is not just smaller pants breanna. this is not just turning heads for once in your life. this is doing what you always thought you never would. it could very well save your life...and will most certainly give you a better life than your living now. if you do this, if you FINALLY do this, imagine how empowered you will feel...imagine how much more you'll believe in yourself when faced with other challenges like grad school, or starting your REAL career, or spending a week with the in-laws! imagine the freedom that will come with silencing that constant voice in your head that damns you to failure.

it is SO HARD to do so much of this alone...so hard to get myself up in the morning when i'm battling depression and feeling exhausted. so hard to push myself physically when i can't even see a change in myself since i started. so hard without someone else pushing me on. i've always allowed myself to be lazy, allowed myself to make excuse after excuse and lay back down. and where has that gotten me? here, on this couch, regretting the cheesecake i had this weekend, regretting that it's been nearly two weeks since i've gone for a run. and honestly? it's been about that long since i've felt good about myself...there's clearly a vital connection here.

okay...enough of presenting the problem...now for the solution? i've got to just get up and do it. tomorrow morning. get up and run. it will probably be raining and cold and i'll probably be so tired (can't miss the season finale of Project Runway!). my brain will protest. but if i do it tomorrow, then it will be a little easier friday, and a little easier saturday, until eventually my body will stop being slave to my self-defeating mind.

cheesy as it sounds, it starts with one step....the step out of bed!

i'm going to tell it like it is

this last week sucked. work sucks, which is making most minutes of my day suck. how have i dealt with suckiness in the past? i'd eat to feel good. and while i didn't eat nearly as much as i could have or would have previously, i did eventually just give up on my week. and the giving up included cheesecake. enough said?

so i went in to the WW meeting today planning to not weigh in. when you sign up they give you a coupon for one week of not having to encounter the scale. i decided this was probably the best time to use it. the last thing i needed was to add the sense of failure to my sucky week. so i walked up to my team leader and said, "i've had an awful week, and i'm positive that i've gained weight, so i think i should use the coupon. but do you think i should face the music and just own reality?" to which she said, "step on the scale, and i'll tell you if you should use the coupon."

so i did.

and she said, "well, you've gained 1.4 pounds...do you want to use the coupon or not?" to which i said, "well, the whole point of using the coupon was to not have to know the number, so since you've told me, i'm going to go ahead and save it." she was definately apologetic, as she had misunderstood my reasoning for wanting to possibly skip the scale.

and so i sulked to the chair and felt pretty awful about it. but more than that, i'm just so tired. i'm so empty and exhausted and weary. i feel like i don't have it in me to fight these intense urges to eat my way to happiness. but i do remember that it was "eating my way to happiness" that got me in such a sad state to begin with...i realize it's not the solution.

i'm so scared that i'm getting to "that point" where i begin to fail week after week. life (rather, work) has thrown me this massive curve ball that has made the whole weight loss thing even more difficult...it has squashed my motivation and drenched my confidence. i want to crawl in bed and hide for a few weeks...

but instead, i will wake up and run. because i need to. because my body needs it. because i just refuse to do what i've always done; let myself off the hook and quit just because it doesn't feel good.

i could sure use some support and encouragement. and hugs. and for someone to invent delicious fat free cheesecake.

hate to love or love to hate weigh in days? either way...

good news is that i was 1 pound down, which isn't very much at all, but WAY better than last week's news. which puts me at a total of 15.6 pounds down...not what i had hoped for after 9 weeks. but it's definately better than if i had never started, and 15 pounds is a decent amount. 25 more pounds to go for my christmas goal....

this last week i was definately not being uber smart about food. i blamed it on being upset about the bad weigh in, but basically i just had my head out of the game. work was total shit all week, and food is the ol' comforting friend. and i didn't work out nearly as much as normal, so i should be grateful for the one pound.

my goal this week is to drink sufficient water, and get back to eating more veggies. i think those are the two main things that will get me back where i should be right quick. well, that and getting my butt back out there on the track in the mornings!

the great news about all of this is that i FELT different this last week...sure my mouth was happier some of the time...but physically and mentally i felt not nearly as good as i have been since starting WW. i even found myself thinking "if i could take this week back, i totally would." i definately lacked the energy and zest that i've had the last several weeks. so i'm very encouraged that a week of moderate swaying only made me want to really go full force on plan rather than pull me even further off track.

and thanks rachel for basically holding my hand through all this...i seriously have no idea how i'd do this without you!

I DID NOT CHEAT (just so you know)

rachel warned me that this day would come. and i'll be honest, i did not believe her. at all.

so imagine my surprise when, after four intense workouts, LOTS of successful temptation fighting and proudly telling the in-laws alllll about my fabulous new lifestyle, i not only didn't lose, but

I WAS UP half a pound! ewww.

sure, there are all kinds of reasons why this is NOT a true reflection on my success or lack thereof this week such as

• remember last month when i had a no-loss week? it was right after my blessed period. same with this week. maybe there's some connection there
• i did have some salty stuff last night that could contribute to water retention
• i NEVER eat lunch before weigh in...and today i did (and a whopper jr at that...my first fast food in two months)

and on and on...but it doesn't cushion the blow of GAINING despite HARD WORK this week.

rachel...where are you when i need you? (and a coors light!)

chocolate cake, margaritas and weight loss

i'm just not sure i'll ever get used to being able to eat a piece of chocolate c make, two margaritas, a blt, egg rolls, and more coors light than i should admit to and still lose 2.8 pounds. basically i think it's some sort of fluke.

but that's what the scale said. 2.8

which is a total of 15.2

my oh my. is this real?

oh, and also?? i ran a mile without stopping. yes, i did. and i am SO proud of me. that was one of my life goals, you know? and i've done it. and i'm planning to do it again tomorrow.

end of week 6

and i'm down another 1.6 pounds!!!

weird thing is? today, like most weigh in days, i got all worried about whether i'd be down or not. i thought back through every bite and every work out to try to figure out if i'd succeeded. and i figured any loss would be fine with me.

but when she told me 1.6, all of a sudden my brain switched from "any loss=hooray" to "just 1.6?" i started thinking it wasn't good enough, even though i had three specific meals this week that were FABULOUS and not the most healthy option... and i certainly didn't work out as much this week as i have in previous weeks...so i should be thrilled to have lost as much as i did.

i wish i could figure out why my brain works this way!

whew!

i was so stressed out today over weigh in. ridiculously stressed out.

anyways, i weighed in, and i've lost another 2.6 pounds! hooray! so i've hit the 10 pound mark, nearly 11. this is very great and exciting.

what's really eating me (pun possibly intended) is that i can't quite figure out what was different from this week than last week that would cause such a difference. the team leader told me i MUST eat all the flex points...something i have definately not been doing. but that was true this week too...so of course i've spent the last several hours analyzing every little detail trying to figure out what i've done better this week. i've heard plenty of WWers say that sometimes it really has nothing to do with what we DO, our bodies can just be weird that way.

gorgeous nails here i come!

clock is ticking

a little over twenty-four hours until the next weigh in. this week has felt fine, as far as i can tell. lots of work related stress that squelched motivation to run. although, if i run today and tomorrow, i'll be up to par.

i've been trying lots of recipes from the WW cookbook i bought a few weeks ago. they've come out really well,which is encouraging for several reasons: i know i'm eating healthy things, and have healthy leftovers for days i'm in a hurry; i'm proving to be a pretty decent cook! it's been fun, and the mister seems to be enjoying the meals too, which is a big plus.

so, one of two things will happen (because a third option of GAINING is not even in my mind at all)

1: I will have lost weight again, preferably 1.6 pounds, bringing me to ten pounds lost so far. i will rejoice and call the salon to have my nails done immediately. this is, naturally, the preferable option

2. i will not have lost. i will cry. i will feel upset. i will feel very tempted to eat eat eat and spend spend spend. it's important that i know this ahead of time...because it almost guarantees that i will do neither of those damaging options. then i will talk to rachel tuesday morning, have her look at my food diary to figure out what's going on, and devise a plan of attack for the coming week.

either way, I WILL NOT QUIT. i didn't gain weight every single week when i was eating like crazy and not working out. i will not lose every week. and that's okay. i'm happier, healthier and i can feel proud of myself, with or without a change in scale numbers.

where i went wrong

this much is true: there are certainly things in this past week i could've done better. I could've eaten more veggies, drank more water, not skipped two runs...there's always improvements that can be made.

having said that, here are all the things i did CORRECTLY this last week:

• i stayed within my alloted points each day, and didn't use up all the weekly bonus points
• i did run four times
• here are all the foods i COULD have eaten, but didn't: brownies, chips, rootbeer float, chocolate, fresh baked cookies (my fav) and on and on...i demonstrated such awesome self control this week

so why why WHY did i weigh in at exactly the same weight?? after a four pound loss last week, a zero pound loss feels a bit devastating. here are things i can think of that may have played into it:

• although within my alloted points, i did have sushi four times this week
• i don't measure my fat free coffee creamer, i just guess at the points, so i guess i could be adding points that way
• maybe i didn't drink enough water for my body to shed fat (i have no idea how fat goes away)
• the last two weeks i had spent at least one of the weekend days at golf tournaments which meant walking between 5-7 miles as we followed golfers from hole to hole. that's a lot of activity i didn't have this week
• my breakfasts were smaller
• i didn't do my bible study this week. i realized awhile ago that i started this incredible bible study the very same week i started WW. maybe i need to allow God to have a bigger role in the weight loss than i did this week...overall i was lazier than i had been in prior weeks.

the group leader was positive and encouraging. she asked how i felt. i told her i felt awesome and that my running schedule is very empowering...overall i'm feeling so much better these last several weeks. she said "two outta three ain't bad. nomatter which of the three (food, exercize, what the scale says) is lacking, if the other two are good, you're doing great."

she also reminded me that as you're working out, muscle can build which weighs more than fat. while this is true, i doubt that it's the explanation for my not losing this week.

the one thing she did say that made sense was that sometimes when the body has had a big loss like i had last week, it can take a week or so to readjust and lost again. i'm trying to stay positive, and not let it bring me down. i can't keep losing four pounds a week without fail.

so this week, i resolve to:

• drink more water
• eat more veggies
• not skip my running (i even recorded a ringtone for my morning alarm that says "breanna, get up. this is not an option. think about christmas...do you want to be the size you are now, or look awesome and get all kinds of compliments? get up, stretch, have a healthy breakfast and go for a run. one more hour of sleep isn't going to get you to your goal, one hour of running WILL get you there. make the decision...don't throw it all away" we'll see how sleeping breanna responds to it. it just might work.)
• do extended activities this weekend...enjoy the lovely weather while it's still here...do activities that will lead to a HAPPY monday weigh-in result.
• do my bible study EVERY day...include God in my weight loss journey.
• utilize the WW online resources for motivation and useful tricks of the trade.

laborious labor day

the title doesn't really mean anything, it's just what i came up with.

so, since it's a holiday, the WW centers are closed and so i have to move my regular monday night weigh-in to a tuesday night weigh in. this makes me nervous for several reasons: i don't want to go to another meeting with a different leader. i love my leader. also, our bodies weigh differently different days and times of day and so on. so i don't want it to be an inaccurate weigh-in. also...it means i had one extra day of losing, which means next week won't be so exciting...i am SO overthinking this.

i'm begining to wonder if i'm hitting the end of the honeymoon. yesterday was the first day that i was a little unhappy with my meal when we went out to eat with friends. i was still totally able to stick with it, but for the first time i actually felt deprived. it passed after not too long, which was great, but it was such a foreign feeling.

and, last week i had such a big loss, which is impossible for this week because my activity level was lower. so i'm trying to get myself ready for that.

i decided that, as long as i hit the ten pound loss, i'll get my nails done this week as a reward. i love having my nails done, it's a fabulous non-food reward, makes me feel prettier.

for lunch today i'm having this incredible butternut squash soup from safeway that is actually very delicious, and for a nice big bowl it's only 3 points, add a simple 3 point sandwhich and it's quite the wonderful meal for only about 6 points. i decided to add a sprinkling of fresh parmesan cheese for an extra point that seemed worth it. cheese seems to be one of the main things that is missed by WWers. i haven't noticed yet. i bought nonfat kraft american slices, and that's fine with me. cheese has like a million points. but the parmesan isn't bad, and for just a little to enhance the soup it was an alright trade.

anyways, i'm looking forward to/nervous about tomorrow's weigh-in. i think i'll make sure to go for a good run in the morning...just to be safe!

it's no surprise to me i am my own worst enemy

it's about time for me to get some thoughts out on "paper." i'm feeling more disconnected from myself this week. hopefully spending some time in thought about the last few days will help me reconnect.

so, i go the great news monday evening that i had lost 3.8 pounds over the last week. that was awesome. i hadn't used any of my weekly flex points, or any of the 20 activity points i earned. i was so focused last week, and it was easy. monday night after the meeting we had dinner with some of our favorite friends. i haven't really been telling anyone that i'm doing WW. i'm just kinda sick of being that girl that's always trying a new diet and always failing in front of all the people i've told about the new "miracle" program i was doing. so this time, i've really not told very many people at all. i didn't even tell ben until it had been over a week. so anyways, our friends didn't know that i'm doing WW and she had made this fabulous batch of sour cream enchiladas. the weird thing is, it was completely fine for me to eat them. i could've eaten twice as much and still been just fine. that's why WW is designed the way it is...to allow for stuff like that.

but what happened was that i've spent every single day since then feeling guilty. it's that old dieting mindset that says you couldn't possibly lose weight eating sour cream enchiladas and chips.

so even though i've absolutely been on plan, no cheating whatsoever, i feel like i'm not doing well this week...and i'm not eating differently at all except that one meal. i don't understand myself.

and because i don't feel successful in the eating department, i'm not as confident about my running. and technically, i've only missed one run this week, out of 5, so that's not any kind of bad. but i'm just beating myself up about this. dumb.

so i need to figure out how to snap my mind out,because my actions are still really good so far (which is great, i mean, in the past i'd probably have felt like i failed and just decided to blow the whole week). i should feel proud...when was the last time i went an entire month working out 3-6 times per week...or eating healthfully every single day without fail? i've been so successful! why don't i feel like it?

so my hope is that i hit the ten pound mark this week. i think i can definately do it. i love how this program has some how taken weight loss from a painful task and turned it into a fun competition...me against myself. i can't really put it into words just yet...i just know that it somehow appeals to the part of me that's a perfectionistic overachieving teacher's pet in a way other weight loss approaches never have.

then i realized today...if i can keep this up...if i can lose about ten pounds a month, i'll be down nearly 50 pounds by the time we go to the husband's parent's house for christmas. i got so excited imagining how awesome that would be...how great i'd feel about myself, and getting attention for losing so much since they last saw me. i love this idea.

so i'm going to focus on that...how rad i'm going to look in the family christmas pictures...

the end of week three

let's recap shall we?

no suffering, no crying, no deprivation or social outcastedness. no starvation. no crazy diet pills or shakes or voodoo chanting.

and i'm down a total of 8.2 lbs.

i want to be excited, i do. but in the face of needing to lose at least ten times this much...i'm still daunted.

and it's not easy to stay excited when other members at the meeting are talking about how they haven't been losing, even though they admit that they're not staying on plan. last night there were two women who had joined on the very same day. one has lost over 70lbs. the other has lost on ly 12lbs. i guess my fear is...who's to say which one i'll be? sure things are going really well now, but they can't stay this easy, can they? i'm bound to hit a patch of major temptation and no motivation, right? eventually, i won't wake up and crave a two mile run. what then? will i become the twelve-pounder? how can i make sure to be the seventy-pounder?

even in the face of great success, i assume failure is immenant. why is that?

my first venture into the depths

today has been a rough day. my yesterday ended with one of those painfully honest chats with the spouse that is said in love, but still hard to hear...you know the kind.

so that was still with me this morning. i got up early and made breakfast for the husband (despite feeling hurt by last night's chat) and then got ready for my morning "run." the run was phenomenal. i loved it. i was in such a great mood when i got back home (thank you endorphins!) i was dancing in the shower (oh yes...i love the way you move...brilliant shower dancing song!) i thought my day was off to a fabulous begining.

i'll skip all the details about how it went steeply downhill from there. because griping is not the purpose of my blogging. the reason i'm here now is because i promised myself that i'd explore the things that have led me to this weight issue.

i'm craving ice cream, or basically anything i can shove in my mouth. and so i'm trying to breathe, go slowly and take a look at myself. i'm sure none of this will be deep and philosophical...but i've got to get honest with myself if this is going to be a real and lasting change inside and out.

so i think i'm obviously trying to fill some emotional holes with tasty treats. i don't know that i would say that eating "numbs" the emotions, it more distracts from them. more than that, though, i think it gives me the temporary control of bringing something pleasurable into my life on days when i feel like a victim. i live with a lot of fear...which all basically boils down to fearing that i'll be rejected from those i love, that the things i love about life will be taken from me. that is the lesson life taught me early on that i have spent the last 8 years trying to unteach myself. some days i do pretty great at it. other days, like today, it all feels insurmountable.

even deeper? i've watched other women, women i admire tremendously, be nearly perfect wives. these phenomenal women who seem to do everything "right" have been cheated on and abandoned. this terrifies me. i can handle things not being great because of something being wrong with me (which is, conveniently, easy to blame on my weight even when it's an entirely unrelated issue). but i don't know if i can handle accepting truth that raw...even perfect and gorgeous women who are faithful and kind and supportive and all the other things i want to be...even they get their hearts broken. so what's left for me, with all my faults and all my fat? these are the things that spin in my mind. the risk. the what-ifs. the fear that all those people who promised me i'd never be loved and never amount to anything will end up being right in spite of all i've done and sacrificed to prove them all wrong.

i'm hungry for unconditional love. i'm hungry for the comfort that comes with being accepted regardless of my measurements. and since i'm pretty sure that's not something that exists for me right now, at least not in the ways i want it to, i want to add any amount of feeling good that i can, which lends itself to the two things i've struggled with all day...spending money and eating.

but today, at least for today....i didn't. and although i still feel empty and emotionally hungry, i'm proud of myself for looking for a more lasting satisfaction instead of settling for instant, short lived gratification.

so i'm going to have a one point WW fudge bar. and then i'm going to go to bed, and hope that "this too shall pass."

no kidding

3.2 pounds. waaaay better than i had hoped. and of course, my brain is incapable of just being pleased, and is bombarding me with "well it's because you didn't have a snack" or "you wore jeans last week, it's your clothing that's lost weight, not you."

well...it is what it is. i still know i need to drink more water, eat more veggies and such. good thing i told myself to "celebrate every step in the right direction."

and, ironically, the theme of today's meeting was "what benefits will we experience if we really apply what we're learning." which made me think of the letter to myself post. but that was more reminding myself of reasons to stick with it. so i think my goal this week will be to do a little daydreaming about all the benefits i can experience as a result of this program.

but for now...making dinner for me and the mister. tacos....non-fat everything of course, but tacos just the same!

a quick post

my next weigh-in is in less than two hours. and yes, i'm very nervous. so much so that i'm trying to pee as much as possible and am refusing to have a snack even though i'm hungry. i also made a point of coming home to change into less "heavy" clothes.

see...because, even though i'm pretty sure i stayed within my alloted WW points, but what i did WITH the points...like a lovely meal at Chevy's, and some fabulous sushi...which WW people tell me is perfectly fine and healthy, but just seems too delicious to be allowed.

and a big steak. mmmmmmm. that was nice.

so anyways, i'm nervous that i won't have lost, that i'll have wasted a week. i mean, i do get it that one week doesn't ruin them all...and i'd only have myself to blame. i need to pay more attention to portion sizes...and drink more water. we'll see how it pans out. i'll update after the meeting tonight.

a post for breanna three weeks from now

dear breanna,

because i know you so well, i know that a few weeks from now, maybe more or less, you won't feel as strongly about your new WW lifestyle as you do now. this might happen because you slip up, or feel a little deprived, or don't lose, or maybe get too busy.

when that happens, you'll come and read this post. because i'm going to tell you all the reasons that this is the best program you've ever been on. it will be easier to remember and stay the course.

1. this is the only program that lets you eat basically anything. sure, you eat less, and you have to make choices, not just eat everything in sight. but if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten...which is fatter and more unhappy with yourself.

2. this is the only program that doesn't alienate you from the rest of the world

3. you can eat sushi! you can have coffee EVERY DAY!

4. when you reach your 10% goal, people will clap and cheer and you'll get that cool key ring. better yet, you'll be even closer to that gorgeous "goal" dress you bought...you are going to look so hot in that dress next summer.

5. remember how successful rachel was? it didn't come easy for her...but look where she is now!!

6. any step in the right direction, however small, is a hundred times better than no step or a tiny step in the wrong direction. celebrate EVERY right choice.

7. it took you 25 years for your body to look like it does, it's not going to morph over night. be patient with yourself.

8. don't think about today...think about the next family reunion...imagine everyone being so proud and impressed. think about running into a college friend you haven't seen in awhile and the incredible reaction of "i hardly recognized you!"

9. this program is teaching you all the things about food and portions and nutrition that you should have known all along...it may feel unnatural for awhile, but it's exactly the right way to eat.

10. you CAN do this breanna...no doubt about it. take a deep breath, drink some tea, ask God to fill your soul hunger, and overcome this like you have overcome so many things in the past.

plus....you don't want anymore pictures like this:

the journey begins

here's the thing. i'm pretty sure no one on earth is ever going to see this blog, but i'm including an introduction just in case.

i've decided to have a blog dedicated to my attempt to once and for all lose weight. i chose a blog for a couple of reasons. mostly because i type way faster than i write, thus increasing the likelyhood that i'll use this blog the way i'm invisioning.

i know it can be really boring for other people to read what someone ate today, or how many pounds or ounces they've lost or gained. i get that. and while i'm sure that those kind of details will make an appearance once in awhile, what i really want to do is have this blog be the supplement to the food part of my weight loss. i'm not fat because of the food itself. i guess i'm intending to take myself through the emotional parts of this lifelong struggle. one of the best ways i can do that is to write (type) it all out.

so, i'm not going to be offended if i never get any comments. this blog is for me for once.

but if, somehow, you've come across this blog and it resonates with you for whatever reason...if it reminds you of your own journey to overcome something that's haunted you, or if you're the biggest roadblock between who you are now and who you really want to be...if you've known the pain of being overweight....or any other reason that has you still reading...then welcome. i'd be honored to share this journey with you.

now for the "starting point" stuff.

ready for MAJOR honesty?!?! this is hard, and if i actually thought someone would ever see this blog i'd probably not have the guts to write this down. i'm 5'4 and i weigh 221 lbs. there i said it.

there's a lot more behind that, and exploring those things is exactly the purpose of this blog, so i'll hold off a bit on the details. what i do want to say is this:

i've had enough. not that this is the first time i've been fed up with my weight. no, that's mostly a daily thing. i've done your classic fatgirl things...tried every diet...blamed my metabolism...been in denial about the health risks of my weight...tried to pretend i was happy with my size, proud to be large...and cried for hours in the quiet of my room.

but it's become more than wanting to look like magazine girls. i'm someone's wife. i'm the wife of a man who deserves to come home to outward beauty that matches my inner beauty; a man who deserves a wife that can be as active as he is; a man i'm madly in love with and want to give every good and wonderful thing to. and i don't think i am doing that in this body.

don't read that to say that my darling husband has made an issue of my weight. this is MY thing. he cherishes me as much as he knows how. he loves me more than i can understand.

here's the other thing. the big thing. the thing that makes this urgent. the doctor's have said i can't have babies. and if you knew me, you might think that was no big deal. it wasn't until i met my mister that i even considered being a mom. and the two of us want a good five or six more years before we parent anything.

but i actually want to. someday. and my weight plays a MAJOR role in whether or not my body can do it. not the only role, mind you, but a pretty important role nonetheless. and even though i don't want kids for awhile, the sooner i can get this body into tiptop condition, the higher my chances are.

and i get all that stuff about adoption and foster care. it's my job for goodness sake. but there's something about being able to give my husband a child that looks like him...or feeling guilty that i can't, but could've if i'd have stopped being a slave to food. see what i mean? urgent.

two weeks ago we went to a big family reunion for my husband's side of the family. it's important to know that these people are incredibly kind. incredibly kind...and all of them are SKINNY. and BEAUTIFUL. every last one of them. and, bless their hearts, there are two topics that dominate all conversation. can you guess what they are?

being skinny
and having babies

yeah...it can be rough. anyways, we're down there. and every single woman in the family (it seems) is either currently on the weight watchers program (from now on WW) or has been in the past. i'm not even kidding. the gorgeous cousin who is a size 1...WW. so i was talking with them about the program.

one of my coworkers has been PHENOMENALLY successful on WW. she lost 120 lbs on it just over a year ago. we've talked alot about WW over the last few weeks and i was interested. after the family reunion though...like seriously, the DAY after, i just walked through the WW doors, and signed up. i was terrified. i'm normally a very outgoing, social person. not that day though. i was literally trembling. the thing is, i wasn't in the least bit excited.

i've failed too much to be excited. i'm a smart enough girl to know that the failure factor in each of my previous dieting attempts was me. it wasn't a faulty program or bad information. it was me. so why should this time be any different. i'm trying it, sticking to it, but i don't feel hope.

so i just finished my first week. the crazy thing was, i never felt like i was dieting. i never felt deprived or different or hungry. so when i had to weigh in on monday night, i fully expected to not have lost any weight at all. because i didn't suffer.

but i had lost 2 lbs.

okay...i feel a little excited now.

and that's the beginning. of what? i don't know. but i feel like i've got a better shot at it if i keep myself in check and allow myself to dig deep into all the emotional stuff that has gotten me to this point. that's why i'm here.

it all begins...