BAH!

i worked out a lot this week. seriously. and i mostly ate well (except rachel talked me into chinese friday night....).

and did i reach my 10% goal?

nope.

all i needed to do was LOSE TWO OUNCES. easy enough, you'd think.

but instead, i gained 4 ounces. GAINED.

so, to you stupid ounces, i say BAH! (that works for rachel's dog...he always gets down when you do it!)

i fought like crazy against the temptation to take my first trip in four months through the mcdonalds drive through, or get a nice peperoni pizza. i did well though. i stopped to get sushi. healthy enough, and one of my favorite foods.

but i'm emotionally hungry right now, and just not sure how to deal with it. any ideas?

2 ounces

that's how close i was to getting my 10% goal yesterday...the very day i had worked towards getting it.

2 ounces.

it's basically a slap in the face.

that's how i've felt for the last 22 hours anyway. but, being stuck on a non-moving freeway for 6 hours today gave me time to think. sure, 2 ounces is almost nothing...my shirt weighed more...i could've tried to pee out 2 ounces. but that wasn't the point. why was i so focused on 2 ounces instead of the 21.8 pounds that i've lost over the last 4 months? and why does it feel like not enough? i have placed so much pressure on myself to be exactly 40 pounds lighter by christmas so that my husband's family would be impressed...and that has caused me to feel like i've failed.

21.8 pounds less is failure?

no, of course not. and for the first time in my life, all the pieces are in place...i really am making permanent changes in my life. my thinking is changing dramatically. my relationship with food is already SO different...in four months after 25 years of a certain lifestyle, mindset and obsession with food. that is no failure. 2 ounces is nothing in comparison.

and if it takes me two years instead of one to lose all 80 pounds, fine. it's slower than i want, so what? two years to be where i've always wanted to be, where i need, for the rest of my life.

i was telling my husband last night about my dissappointment. i said, "i mean, i know i'm doing fairly well. i'm staying on plan, i don't cheat. i've been completely consistent for four months straight, so i'm doing well."

he said, "doing well?! you've lost 21.8 pounds in four months...you've never missed a meeting...you've never stopped tracking your points...you're working out regularly and you haven't cried ONCE in four months about this like you have other 'diets.' you're not doing well. you're doing great!"

and you know what? he's right.

feelin the burn!

so i've been working out at the gym for about a week and a half. i'm really enjoying it so far. gives me a chance to catch up on my ever-increasing list of podcasts, read some magazines and send surges of endorphines running through my stressed out self.

i also talked the mister into letting me get a personal trainer once per week for awhile. his name is luke and, for the most part, i like working with him. except when he puts me on the stairclimber. i basically hate that.

so, i've spent the last week being very focused on getting my 10% goal by tomorrow. tomorrow is my 16 week mark, and i really thought i'd have the 10% by now. i know it's not so great to focus so much on how long it's taking...the important part is that i'm making really healthy and permenant changes in my life. but i seriously thought i could be down 40 pounds by christmas, and i'm just barely at 20. that's a little frustrating.

as of last monday's weigh in, i'm only 2 pounds away from that 10% goal. 2 pounds is completely feasable in a week. i've worked out 4 times...and one of those was with luke, so that must've counted for three times by itself! i've been good at being within my points...i want this 10% so bad!!!

i've been spending tons of time on the WW site participating in the boards. it's so encouraging and inspirational and comforting! i just love it! so here's to hoping that my weigh in tomorrow will be what i've been working towards. if not...well i'll be spending a lot more time on the WW boards looking for support!


(this is the keyring i'll get when i hit 10%)

i joined the ranks

and signed up at the gym. today was my complementary session with a personal trainer. wow. it was difficult! but great! i'm going to be SOOO sore tomorrow! now i'm trying to talk the mister into paying for weekly personal training...let's hope he says yes!

also, i am now getting etools on the WW website, and it is the greatest thing EVER! it does all the math for me, so keeping track of points is a breeze, and there are these phenomenal community boards that put me in touch with other WWers and that has been phenomenal! i wish i would've done that sooner! so much support, and it keeps me busy when i'd be eating out of boredom! i love it!

i heart denial

fabulous vacation. just what i needed.

good intentions all the way around for staying on plan during the trip. but when i realized exactly what "all expenses paid" meant...(expensive meals including apps AND desserts AND all the wine my heart desired, which turned out to be quite a lot) well...that trumped the whole points thing.

i did work out several times while i was away...pretty mild, some swimming, walking a few miles. nothing too sweat-inducing.

then, during the flight home (all nine excruciating hours of it) it occurred to me that my indulging would not equal smiles monday night on the scale. so i devised a plan that included working out basically constantly from sunday morning to monday about ten minutes before the meeting. i figured this would even things out.

well...then jet lag kicked in and, well, i basically forgot to work out. at all. so monday night, i did go ahead and attend the meeting, but i handed over my "skip the scale" coupon. because, well i just didn't want to face reality. i debated for quite some time as to whether or not i'd use it, or if i'd just have the guts to hear what damage i'd done. i took the cowards way out.

then last night i dreamed that i went back to the WW meeting the next day and weighed in. the scale said i lost four pounds. which meant that i had met my ten percent goal. i woke up thinking it was true. yuck.

anyways, i joined WW online with the "etools" and that has been super awesome so far. there's even an online community board of other oregon WWers. i am SO excited! could be just what i need!


back on track!