and another one

today's results? down one pound. not quite as fabulous as last week, but i'll take it! that puts me at 19.2 pounds lost....SO close to 20! that's a significant number in my book...and just a few more pounds past that to my 10% goal...i can really do this!

tricky thing? me and the mister are off to orlando florida for a much needed vacay. well, he's on business, i'm on an all expenses paid vacation at a FABULOUS resort. can't complain. and i need the break from work and "life" like crazy. literally....crazy!

the thing i'm nervous about is that it's a vacation...and people basically ALWAYS gain weight on vacations. especially when the mister's company is paying for EVERYTHING...but i'm THIS close to my first big goal, and i just DON'T want anything to push it further away... so i really need to try and be in control of myself while we're in orlando. any tricks you can impart?

i know the resort has a gym, so i'm definately taking my workout clothes and running shoes. and if i eat really smartly for breakfast and lunch, i'll have more flexibility for yummy dinners. i just hope my will can outpower my mouth...

i heart WW!!

biggest loss yet!

i still don't quite always get what makes the difference. and i feel like i spend all my time here analyzing every bite and every workout and why this week i lost four pounds.


that's right friends. FOUR POUNDS.

that's my biggeset loss so far. strange thing is i didn't feel uber successful during the week. so maybe i just give up trying to know the secrets of success from week to week and just stick with the program knowing it will all pan out eventually.

the other exciting part? i'm only a little under 4 pounds away from my 1st 10% goal! that is very cool. another two weeks or so and i should be getting to stand up in the meeting and get that keychain and have everyone clap for me. that'll be great!

the theme of tonight's meeting was "what hats do you wear?" and how those "hats" effect or influence our weight loss. people were of course naming all their various roles and positions in life. then Bobbi (meeting leader, i'll be using her name from now on) asked "what do others think/say about you? how does that impact your weight loss?" most people responded that their friends say how great they've been looking since losing weight and so on, and how motivating that is to keep going. but this is what came to my mind:

people tend to think i'm really "strong" and confident. confident to the point that a lot of people, before they know me, consider me snobby and full of myself. people have watched me overcome difficulties in life and not be one of those people that feels/acts like a victim all the time. i've succeeded in a lot of areas of my life and i know that not everyone would take what life has given me and turn it into the life i have now.

but the truth is, i'm not strong. i'm incredibly fragile. one of my professors told me once "breanna, you're the strongest fragile person i've ever met." and it's really true. i'm generally very broken and vulnerable. and no matter what i've overcome or achieved, i never feel good enough about myself to acknowledge strength to myself. when people comment on my "inner strength" or discipline or perseverence, i just shrug it off and think to myself "if only they knew the real me...the one that can't take control over her own body/eating." my weight has always been the thing that keeps me from believing in myself.

so as i'm losing weight, as i'm gradually succeeding and persevering in the hardest battle of my life, i'm doing it to prove to myself that i am indeed a strong woman. i want to prove to myself that i can overcome and achieve what will likely be the most significant thing in my life. i'm doing this so that when someone says "breanna, you're so strong" i can think to myself "you know? you're right..."

reality check

as i type this, i'm watching "the biggest loser" on nbc. this show has always been inspirational, at least on an emotional level. but it's different this time. this time, i've already been working towards becoming my own biggest loser.

tonight, rather than serving as an inspiration, the show is serving as an accountability partner. they're in the 5th week of their weight loss journey, and most have lost three and four times as much as i've lost in nearly 11 weeks.

now, of course, i realize that the biggest loser is not reality. it's not possible to spend tht many hours a day working out...and having a phenomenally motivating and very well educated personal trainner who tells you exactly what to eat and won't let you sleep through the alarm. not to mention the possibility of winning lots of money for losing lots of weight.

but even still, i should be doing WAY better than being only 15 pounds lighter than i was at the begining of August. i need to be kicking my own butt. i need to be working hard for this thing that i want more than mostly anything i've ever wanted before (except my lovely husband, of course). i need to treat this journey with more urgency...more intensity.

this is not just smaller pants breanna. this is not just turning heads for once in your life. this is doing what you always thought you never would. it could very well save your life...and will most certainly give you a better life than your living now. if you do this, if you FINALLY do this, imagine how empowered you will feel...imagine how much more you'll believe in yourself when faced with other challenges like grad school, or starting your REAL career, or spending a week with the in-laws! imagine the freedom that will come with silencing that constant voice in your head that damns you to failure.

it is SO HARD to do so much of this alone...so hard to get myself up in the morning when i'm battling depression and feeling exhausted. so hard to push myself physically when i can't even see a change in myself since i started. so hard without someone else pushing me on. i've always allowed myself to be lazy, allowed myself to make excuse after excuse and lay back down. and where has that gotten me? here, on this couch, regretting the cheesecake i had this weekend, regretting that it's been nearly two weeks since i've gone for a run. and honestly? it's been about that long since i've felt good about myself...there's clearly a vital connection here.

okay...enough of presenting the problem...now for the solution? i've got to just get up and do it. tomorrow morning. get up and run. it will probably be raining and cold and i'll probably be so tired (can't miss the season finale of Project Runway!). my brain will protest. but if i do it tomorrow, then it will be a little easier friday, and a little easier saturday, until eventually my body will stop being slave to my self-defeating mind.

cheesy as it sounds, it starts with one step....the step out of bed!

i'm going to tell it like it is

this last week sucked. work sucks, which is making most minutes of my day suck. how have i dealt with suckiness in the past? i'd eat to feel good. and while i didn't eat nearly as much as i could have or would have previously, i did eventually just give up on my week. and the giving up included cheesecake. enough said?

so i went in to the WW meeting today planning to not weigh in. when you sign up they give you a coupon for one week of not having to encounter the scale. i decided this was probably the best time to use it. the last thing i needed was to add the sense of failure to my sucky week. so i walked up to my team leader and said, "i've had an awful week, and i'm positive that i've gained weight, so i think i should use the coupon. but do you think i should face the music and just own reality?" to which she said, "step on the scale, and i'll tell you if you should use the coupon."

so i did.

and she said, "well, you've gained 1.4 pounds...do you want to use the coupon or not?" to which i said, "well, the whole point of using the coupon was to not have to know the number, so since you've told me, i'm going to go ahead and save it." she was definately apologetic, as she had misunderstood my reasoning for wanting to possibly skip the scale.

and so i sulked to the chair and felt pretty awful about it. but more than that, i'm just so tired. i'm so empty and exhausted and weary. i feel like i don't have it in me to fight these intense urges to eat my way to happiness. but i do remember that it was "eating my way to happiness" that got me in such a sad state to begin with...i realize it's not the solution.

i'm so scared that i'm getting to "that point" where i begin to fail week after week. life (rather, work) has thrown me this massive curve ball that has made the whole weight loss thing even more difficult...it has squashed my motivation and drenched my confidence. i want to crawl in bed and hide for a few weeks...

but instead, i will wake up and run. because i need to. because my body needs it. because i just refuse to do what i've always done; let myself off the hook and quit just because it doesn't feel good.

i could sure use some support and encouragement. and hugs. and for someone to invent delicious fat free cheesecake.

hate to love or love to hate weigh in days? either way...

good news is that i was 1 pound down, which isn't very much at all, but WAY better than last week's news. which puts me at a total of 15.6 pounds down...not what i had hoped for after 9 weeks. but it's definately better than if i had never started, and 15 pounds is a decent amount. 25 more pounds to go for my christmas goal....

this last week i was definately not being uber smart about food. i blamed it on being upset about the bad weigh in, but basically i just had my head out of the game. work was total shit all week, and food is the ol' comforting friend. and i didn't work out nearly as much as normal, so i should be grateful for the one pound.

my goal this week is to drink sufficient water, and get back to eating more veggies. i think those are the two main things that will get me back where i should be right quick. well, that and getting my butt back out there on the track in the mornings!

the great news about all of this is that i FELT different this last week...sure my mouth was happier some of the time...but physically and mentally i felt not nearly as good as i have been since starting WW. i even found myself thinking "if i could take this week back, i totally would." i definately lacked the energy and zest that i've had the last several weeks. so i'm very encouraged that a week of moderate swaying only made me want to really go full force on plan rather than pull me even further off track.

and thanks rachel for basically holding my hand through all this...i seriously have no idea how i'd do this without you!

I DID NOT CHEAT (just so you know)

rachel warned me that this day would come. and i'll be honest, i did not believe her. at all.

so imagine my surprise when, after four intense workouts, LOTS of successful temptation fighting and proudly telling the in-laws alllll about my fabulous new lifestyle, i not only didn't lose, but

I WAS UP half a pound! ewww.

sure, there are all kinds of reasons why this is NOT a true reflection on my success or lack thereof this week such as

• remember last month when i had a no-loss week? it was right after my blessed period. same with this week. maybe there's some connection there
• i did have some salty stuff last night that could contribute to water retention
• i NEVER eat lunch before weigh in...and today i did (and a whopper jr at that...my first fast food in two months)

and on and on...but it doesn't cushion the blow of GAINING despite HARD WORK this week.

rachel...where are you when i need you? (and a coors light!)