biggest loss yet!

i still don't quite always get what makes the difference. and i feel like i spend all my time here analyzing every bite and every workout and why this week i lost four pounds.


that's right friends. FOUR POUNDS.

that's my biggeset loss so far. strange thing is i didn't feel uber successful during the week. so maybe i just give up trying to know the secrets of success from week to week and just stick with the program knowing it will all pan out eventually.

the other exciting part? i'm only a little under 4 pounds away from my 1st 10% goal! that is very cool. another two weeks or so and i should be getting to stand up in the meeting and get that keychain and have everyone clap for me. that'll be great!

the theme of tonight's meeting was "what hats do you wear?" and how those "hats" effect or influence our weight loss. people were of course naming all their various roles and positions in life. then Bobbi (meeting leader, i'll be using her name from now on) asked "what do others think/say about you? how does that impact your weight loss?" most people responded that their friends say how great they've been looking since losing weight and so on, and how motivating that is to keep going. but this is what came to my mind:

people tend to think i'm really "strong" and confident. confident to the point that a lot of people, before they know me, consider me snobby and full of myself. people have watched me overcome difficulties in life and not be one of those people that feels/acts like a victim all the time. i've succeeded in a lot of areas of my life and i know that not everyone would take what life has given me and turn it into the life i have now.

but the truth is, i'm not strong. i'm incredibly fragile. one of my professors told me once "breanna, you're the strongest fragile person i've ever met." and it's really true. i'm generally very broken and vulnerable. and no matter what i've overcome or achieved, i never feel good enough about myself to acknowledge strength to myself. when people comment on my "inner strength" or discipline or perseverence, i just shrug it off and think to myself "if only they knew the real me...the one that can't take control over her own body/eating." my weight has always been the thing that keeps me from believing in myself.

so as i'm losing weight, as i'm gradually succeeding and persevering in the hardest battle of my life, i'm doing it to prove to myself that i am indeed a strong woman. i want to prove to myself that i can overcome and achieve what will likely be the most significant thing in my life. i'm doing this so that when someone says "breanna, you're so strong" i can think to myself "you know? you're right..."