16 weeks today

which seems incredibly ridiculous! when i imagine the little thing in my belly, i still picture a blob...but the truth is, it has all its parts and is more than 4 1/2 inches!!

i'm feeling alright a few weeks into the second trimester....not all great and FULL of energy like everyone says. not yet. i'm not really showing at all- at least not in the "no doubt about it, that's pregnancy and not flab" sort of way. and i haven't felt the baby move yet. so most days i still feel like i'm making it all up.

pregnancy has had a peculiar impact on my experience with eating and weight. i'm altogether confused if we're being honest. here's why: when i found out i was pregnant and shouldn't continue losing weight, half my brain said "woohoo!!! let loose! eat like nuts! now's the time to satisfy every tastebud's desire!" and the other half said, "perfect! now you've got several months of very healthy eating and moderation to build on...and you can keep going with those very healthy foods and appropriate portions."

and neither has really happened. although my "morning sickness" hasn't been unbearable for any length of time, i also don't have the "pregnancy hunger" i've always heard about. in reality, my appetite is significantly LESS than pre-pregnancy. so the strange balance is that i'm generally eating whatever sounds good, but just not very much of it. in the last few weeks i've tried to put a little more focus on fruits and veggies (which have previously made me feel pretty yucky), but i wouldn't call my diet balanced so much.

the moderately frustrating part is that, eating just about anything i want and having my body nearly force me stop, i have only gained a little less than 4 pounds in the last 4 months. now, of course, the long term goal is to LOSE weight, not gain it reeeeeeeaaaaalllly slowly. but even still.

it's also been strange to be utterly confused about how to feel when i gain half a pound or whatever. do i feel bad like i've trained myself to feel most of my life, or do i feel okay about it since it's probably baby-related weight? do i feel okay about my expanding waist- which was previously the ultimate failure? and let's not even discuss the growing bustline!!

and i feel overly concerned about how i'll feel looking back on this pregnancy...will i regret how it went? will i wish i'd done or thought things differently? am i making sure to ENJOY this along the way? how will i know in time to fix it...do i just have to wait till it's over to figure out if i did it right?