food addictions

i remember the first time i was made aware of the addiction aspect of my eating. i remember feeling, enlightened? no...shocked...when i realized that my mouth, my hands, my spending have all been slaves to food.

this is a sad concept...that i have been controlled by something that has never loved me back, never really comforted me, an inanimate grouping of things. things that end up in sewage, mind you.

i remember being told "any food your body doesn't need just goes to waste. it can either turn to waste in your garbage can or on your hips. it's up to you."

and so i beat and beat and beat myself up, trying again and again to free myself from foods dominion. to release my emotions from the lies of relief that cheesecake seemed to provide. and everytime i "failed" it was another emotional self-lashing.

then today, home sick on the couch, i was reading various posts on the WW message boards. and someone said "imagine if an alcoholic HAD to have a drink everyday to survive, but was still expected to fully control his addictive habits and behaviors."

i had not thought of that. here i am, food addict (a shameful thing to admit) who can never just cut myself off from the thing that i'm addicted to. i cannot avoid the people, places, smells and situations that lead me to eat. instead, i must continue to encounter my addiction everyday and deal with all the tempations, the emotions, the impulses. and i'm supposed to succeed.

i've realized i need to give myself a little more grace in all of this.